


You Can't Die Twice

by Mythyk



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Asphyxiation, Benry, Benry is annoying, Body Horror, Choking, Gen, Gordon and Benry are not friends, I encourage interpretation (for the most part), I may have implied things, I’m spelling it Benry consistently this time, Murder, Temporary Character Death, Untagged but Gordon’s absolutely there, but it gets worse :), claws/scratching, everything including the ACAB stream is canon, he/him gordon, he/they Benry, mild/minimally described body horror, mostly canon compliant plot-wise, some alteration and/or addition to canon, though that’s a loose phrase, what’s a little “not-really-murder” between not-friends?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:15:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28889709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythyk/pseuds/Mythyk
Summary: Everyone on the Science Team can respawn, and during the in-between they end up in “the void,” so sometimes they’re there together.Gordon is very annoyed with Benry, even when dead. Besides, there aren’t really consequences in the void, are there?
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	You Can't Die Twice

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [sunlit_tea_leaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlit_tea_leaves), your input/beta improved this work, well, a lot more than I could have done alone!  
> I can’t even say, “Don’t worry, the death isn’t permanent :)” because that’s the point and I mean that in a… bad way.  
> I also made a playlist because of the mood I felt writing this. I tried to recreate it, but it’s a work in progress: [ Hopefully it works and you can click here ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2m7iqjJhhrfMV7wmFdU8YA?si=TUzask7zRWmCGnO1RikU4w)  
> (I view Gordon as white here but I understand most of the time people interpret him as a POC.)

There was one thing about the void, this place between death, that never failed to be used: it was impossible to die. After all, you’re already dead.

Gordon wasn’t there often, but… he certainly remembered the moments he was.

It wasn’t until he first saw Benry again after one such time that he realised that he  _ had _ even experienced the void. No one else on the Science Team had ever mentioned it to him before, but now he knew.

It was oddly satisfying to know that.

Well, it was more in the way Benry occasionally hesitated. Making a joke. Starting a conversation with him. It was never enough to be  _ sure _ , but there was enough to suspect. No one on the Science Team seemed to notice or ever bring it up, so Gordon didn’t either. But Benry had made a few comments that  _ suggested _ the truth of it. He’d take that as confirmation.

\---

Benry died often. They remembered the void best out of anybody in the Science Team, but no one else ever acknowledged it. The times they tried bringing it up with the others, they never got a clear answer whether the other remembered it or not. Benry gave up asking, almost too easily, because it hurt less to avoid talking about it than to believe the others didn’t remember death.

Not like death was permanent for anyone on the Science Team.

\---

Gordon remembered the first time he died. It was that moment right outside Darnold’s lab. Only he died, so he was in the dark place alone. Luckily it hadn’t lasted long, and Gordon had pushed the memory aside as soon as he had come back, opting to focus on survival.

The second time he died, Gordon was with Benry. Only a few moments at the bottom of a pit, gasping to life soon after. But Gordon remembered that time in between. Benry had antagonized him with no end, worse than when they were awake. They sang sweet voice with hardly any stops, teasing and poking fun at him for dying in the first place. For how he died. Gordon tried pushing them away, but there wasn’t really any way to avoid them when Benry was the only other… person, object, not-nothingness in the place. Gordon had regained consciousness rather annoyed, but again, pushed aside what had happened in favour of staying alive. Not that he quite  _ realised _ he had died in the first place, anyways.

There were a few other times he had died after leaving Black Mesa, but not necessarily at the same time as Benry. Those times weren’t very notable. Just… waiting for it to be over, really. It was boring, waiting.

When he was dead at the same time as Benry for the second time, it repeated in much the same way as before. Benry assaulting his senses in every way he could, attempting to annoy him or maybe just make his brain melt into nothing before he respawned.

Running through some random Bubby-designed training before a heist, Gordon died by a gunshot. Benry died at the same time, though Gordon couldn’t have known how. “Third time’s the charm,” though unfortunately Benry was never one to change tactics. Brain-melting, sense-overwhelming behaviours like before. Why they did that, Gordon didn’t know. But he knew that, because he was capable of remembering the previous times, he was going to hit a limit and probably try to double-kill this person he was stuck with. Not like bullets could normally kill them even when alive, though.

Eventually, though, Gordon forced himself to stop counting the number of times his and Benry’s deaths coincided with the other’s. It would likely wear on his living-sanity too if he did try to keep count. So, he actively chose not to.

\---

Gordon hadn’t recognised Benry when they had first joined the team on their heists. Their voice was a little distorted, and they didn’t use their name anyways. The physicist was mostly just annoyed there was a random extra member of their party.

Then the two of them died at the same time.

That was the moment, there in the void, facing him, that Gordon realised it was Benry. And that Benry was assaulting his senses again.

“Could you  _ not? _ ” he snapped, standing up and pushing the ex-security guard back. (Was he ex-security? He probably was; Black Mesa was gone, after all.)

Benry seemed to consider the question for a moment. Then they shrugged, “Don’t feel like it. Too boring.” He showed off a toothy grin, half-lidded eyes without a care in the world.

They just went right back to tormenting Gordon, who once again tried to ignore him or somehow block out all the noise and light and colours he created.

\---

Their most recent death was due to their White House heist going wrong. Tommy poisoned from asbestos, the rest of them gunned down in the lower levels of the building.

Benry had been tolerable, with the others, since their focus had been drawn away from Gordon. As the others disappeared from the void, respawning, though, Gordon began to dread being stuck with them again. He half-hoped he’d respawn before all the others so he wouldn’t have to face that. Gordon had no idea what he’d do if he was stuck like that for… for whatever number time this one was. Well, unless the entirety of Black Mesa counted for anything. Or even just the boss fight on Xen.

But now, Gordon and Benry were alone. The pair was left behind in the void.

It was quiet, for a few beats, and Gordon began to hope that maybe Benry was too tired to torment him.

However, luck was never on his side, and Benry stood up from where they were seated and over-casually strolled over to where Gordon had sat down.

“Whatcha doin’ there?” they asked, hands in their pockets and grinning down at him. He looked… the grin he wore looked excited, if Gordon had anything to say about it.

“Sitting,” the scientist snapped. “Go away.”

Benry dropped to the ground, grin growing wider. “Nah,” they replied. “That’d be boring.”

“Go,” Gordon gestured out into the empty space around them, “go play with your stupid sweet voice on your own or something, just leave me alone!” his voice grew louder as he spoke, but Gordon couldn’t find it in himself to care about that. The sweet voice was worse, anyways, whenever Benry used it excessively in the void.

Benry pouted. “Don’t wanna,” he said. “Too boring.”

“Yeah? Well, how about you deal with it some way  _ other _ than getting on my nerves,” Gordon growled. He turned, getting up as quickly as he could and speed walking away from them.

Benry quickly caught up with him. “But then I’d be bored,” he said, sweet voice making its way out as he spoke.

“Tough luck, buddy,” Gordon laughed bitterly. “I’m not even  _ capable _ of being bored when  _ you _ ,” he shifted so he could shove them back, “decide you’d rather  _ torment _ me than risk  _ any _ chance for  _ boredom _ to sink in!” he emphasized ‘boredom’ with sarcastic jazz hands.

“Don’t have to do that,” Benry tilted his head. “Could…” they trailed off, their gaze drifting over to Gordon’s right side. “Could be like Black Mesa.”

“Like- like Black… Mesa…?” Gordon’s voice grew quiet. He swallowed, looking down at his arm. Even though it had been replaced by G-Man, there was still pain that lingered.

Sensing the other man’s fear, Benry added, “No consequences here.”

Gordon’s eyes were still fixed on his arm. “No consequences…” slowly, his gaze drifted back to Benry’s. He swallowed. “You mean… nothing, at all?”

“Nope,” they replied, popping the ‘p’ and rocking back slightly on their heels. “Can’t die twice.”

“Could try though…” Gordon muttered under his breath. He raised his voice and asked, “What… exactly, are you suggesting?”

“Dunno, could grow big, chase you around again…” he shrugged, glancing around. “Or do the ol’ switcheroo.”

Incredulous, a laugh crawled its way up Gordon’s throat and out of his mouth. Benry watched as he doubled over, starting to wheeze the harder he laughed.

“You’re saying just.” Gordon took a breath and swallowed. “Just- try killing each other? Me? Killing something like you?” he reached a hand out, landing on and gripping Benry’s shoulder (slightly tighter than he needed too) as he recovered from his laughing fit.

Suppressing a wince, Benry shrugged. “Yeah, sure.”

Finally, Gordon released his shoulder, and gave him a hard pat instead. A strange grin was forming on his face. “How about you run ahead, then? Before I decide that’s too nice and try killing you immediately.”

Benry grinned. They didn’t need to be asked twice, and they booked it in a random direction, soon hearing the footsteps following him.

This was much more fun.

\---

Gordon was pretty sure he was dying more frequently. Or maybe he was just noticing dying more because people normally don't die more than once, and he'd lost track a while ago. Sometimes it was alone, sometimes it was with the Science Team, sometimes just one other person, and sometimes… Benry.

"Heyyyyy Feetmannnnn," Benry greeted him when he woke up in the void.

Gordon frowned up at them from where he lay. "How are you dead?" he asked.

They shrugged nonchalantly, looking away. "Just did."

"Guess you're never gonna tell me, then," Gordon huffed, also looking away.

A few seconds of silence passed between them.

"Wanna run?" Benry asked.

"Run?" he glanced over, then spotted a few… transformations Benry did to themself, and his eyes widened. "Oh." Gordon rolled over and quickly got to his feet, focusing on increasing the distance between the two of them.

Benry didn't exactly run, per se, but he did move faster than Gordon. Naturally, the ex-guard had grown large, but Gordon wasn't sure he could compare his size to the boss fight. There simply wasn't a good enough frame of reference in this void. Benry's hand landed around Gordon, the clawed fingers trapping him like jail bars. He leaned against them, looking over to where Benry's many-eyed face appeared.

"Didn't run too far that time," Gordon observed.

"You're fast. Gordon Fastman," Benry replied. "Didn't want ya getting too far, bro. That'd make it boring again."

Gordon chuckled. Benry was always so worried about getting bored. "You could just not die," he suggested.

"Gamers don't die, they respawn," their grin grew larger, showing off impossible rows of teeth.

"Suit yourself," he said, turning away and breaking out of the makeshift prison Benry made and resuming the chase.

\---

Benry didn’t really care what it was this time. They were dead, and they were in the void with Gordon. He glanced over to where Gordon sat, arms resting on his knees while his head hung down, loose hair hiding his face. Considering the other times Gordon had been in the void, Benry decided the best plan of action was to wait for him. That seemed to give him the best results now.

Gordon finally moved, after who knows how long the two had been sitting like statues. He pulled a dark red scrunchie off his wrist and tied his messy hair into a half-decent ponytail.

“Just us, huh,” Gordon observed. “How long, do you think?” he spoke with a suspicious level of nonchalance.

“Probably not much,” Benry replied.

“Why don’t we kill some time then?” he asked. “Heh. Kill,” he laughed at his own joke. A joke Benry could read into  _ very _ well.

Benry didn’t even bother responding, he just turned and booked it as quickly as he could away from Gordon. He could hear his footsteps behind him, rapidly approaching him. Benry knew they wouldn’t be able to outrun Gordon. Still, he tried to speed up, push his limit. It made it more fun.

Arms wrapped around their waist, knocking them to the ground. They wheezed, trying to get back up, only to be pushed over onto their back. A weight settled on top of them, pinning them in place. When their vision came back into focus, the grin on Gordon’s face was sharp. Predatory and malicious. They felt their body grow unnaturally still.

“Wow, you almost got away!” Gordon laughed, holding himself up by his arms so he could look Benry in the eye. “Too bad there’s nowhere to hide,” he sing-songed.

He didn’t move from his position or defend himself, knowing it would get him nowhere. Not that it really mattered. Half their focus was put towards suppressing their own grin.

“Gonna do anything about it this time?” he asked them.

They simply responded with a stream of meaningless sweet voice, which caused Gordon to choke and sputter, losing balance enough for Benry to wriggle their way out and keep running. He cackled, looking over his shoulder to see his pursuer still getting up, waving away the blobs of light.

“ _ Get back here Benry! _ ” Gordon roared.

Benry cackled again, though they made no move to change their direction. They knew Gordon was capable of catching up to him, and it was more fun this way. They were sure he agreed. More time running meant less time bored.

This time, when they were tackled, Benry didn’t stop trying to escape (though they still didn’t try using any of their abilities). Gordon managed to get a hold of their wrists, though, and pinned them down. Gordon had the advantage of size and was able to keep them pinned, the both of them catching their breath over the span of a few moments.

“Are you getting faster or something?” he asked.

“Maybe you’re getting slower,” they grinned.

Gordon let out a breathy laugh, “Yeah, right.”

The conversation died again, and Gordon’s gaze drifted down to Benry’s neck, one of his hands following the same path.

It might not be possible to die, but somehow, it still felt like it. Like in death, lungs still demanded air to breathe.

Benry felt that odd spike of panic and their own hand grabbed at Gordon’s wrist, trying to hold it back. Their other hand was still pinned down, though it fought to join in. Gordon laughed.

“What, afraid of dying?” his fingers were around their neck. “Dunno why you’re so worried. You can’t even die in real life half the time!” he chuckled. Benry felt pressure weighing down on him. Gordon’s other hand soon joined in, securing their grip around Benry’s neck. As if it wasn’t even happening, Gordon’s expression turned thoughtful as he asked, “Do you think this affects our respawn?”

Of course, there was no way Benry could respond, seeing as their airway (and thus, vocal cords) were blocked off. They hadn’t really learned any sign language, either. Their hands reached up, scratching at Gordon’s hands and arms, hoping the pain would make him recoil. The physicist seemed to wince for a moment, before deciding to ignore it.

“Not that it really matters,” he shrugged dismissively, “we’ll wake up anyways and continue as always. You, antagonising me,” Gordon rolled his eyes, “and I’ll be helpless to stop you until Tommy starts pouting over us not getting along again, or Bubby snaps at us for being a distraction.” He looked into Benry’s eyes, leaning closer and letting his voice fall lower, “How do you think they’d react if I tried to  _ really _ kill you again?” a smile creeped onto his face, small and sinister.

Benry attempted to shrug, though the motion was difficult from their position. He adjusted their tactics, beginning to use shapeshifted claws instead of blunt human nails. Gordon hissed as wounds were opened, but he didn’t relent, even attempting to press down harder. Darkness creeped into the edges of Benry’s blurring vision, and the blood slipped between Gordon’s fingers, creating an unnaturally warm ring around Benry’s neck. The same sensation slid down their own arms, all of it disappearing as it dripped off and landed (or passed through) the dark floor of the void.

All at once the weight and pressure vanished.

Benry rolled onto his side, coughing as he struggled to take a proper breath and clear his vision. They curled up for a few moments, before rolling back and staring up into the nothingness. Somehow, even though they were doing nothing now, they weren’t bored. He almost felt as empty as the nothing around him, but in a good way. It meant the wait wouldn’t feel as long as it might be.

They knew they’d die again. It was normal to them at this point, and they weren’t really concerned. He wasn’t really bored anymore, anyways.

He grinned, and the ghost of it remained even when he respawned.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh that’s some murder. Oh no that’s a lot of murder.  
> (Pretty sure I kin Feetman, or at least I project a lot. Then there’s The Magnus Archives… I made a character/sona that’s a combination avatar of the spiral, the stranger, the slaughter, and the eye, so there is that. Mostly the slaughter, though.)


End file.
